15 (Humorous) Orchard Predictions for 2013 | The Daily Rind

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15 (Humorous) Orchard Predictions for 2013

December 17, 2012 Orchard News No Comments

the orchard 15 anniversaryThis is it… our last 15th anniversary post for the year. It’s been a great one, and as we shared in last month’s post, we’re so very grateful to have these incredible years behind us and such promising prospects ahead.

For this post, we got all Orchardite minds together to assemble our trimmed down 15 most likely predictions for 2013. The product you see below is a carefully crafted selection of scientifically backed probabilities, and we stand behind these insights 100%.

1. Cleopatra will release Sounds Like… The Sound Of Music Meets Gangnam Style.

2. ICQ will launch a major comeback including direct chat lines with your favorite artists.

3. Our Compilations department will invent a new genre called “PUBSTEP,” Irish folk tunes set to dubstep beats. It will become so popular that iTunes will create a new genre page for it.

4. Apple will introduce iChew, described by Phil Schiller as “an amazing leap in chewing gum technology.” Each iChew will be WiFi and Bluetooth enabled, letting you download new flavors from the Cloud, or if you’re an AT&T customer, using your 4G connection. It will be Siri activated by double-chomping with your canine tooth and speaking the flavor you want to download. Within seconds, the iChew will taste exactly like the requested flavor. Each flavor will cost 99 cents, and each stick of iChew will cost $399.99 for the Trident size, $499.99 for a “Hubba Bubba” size.

5. Lychelle [our wonderful receptionist] will forget to send out an email about washing the fruit before consuming and someone will consume before washing.

6. Tee Pee Records will issue a vinyl release with blotter acid in the label ink. Lick, spin and enjoy!

7. One of Richard Gottehrer’s YouTube ideas — a cooking show filmed at CBGB with recipes sung by The Raveonettes — will become so wildly popular that Honey Boo Boo will mention it on her show.

8. We will be approached by a startup that would like to offer our clients the ability to automatically send their fans customized Happy Birthday songs on their birthday. This startup will have just received 6 million dollars in funding.

9. The Orchard’s Got Talent will beat The Voice in a ratings war.

10. What.cd will be heralded as the future of record stores.

11. Microsoft will announce a bold new direction for the Xbox platform: video games.

12. After several more rennovations, the kitchen will become self-aware, reveal itself to be Hal9000, and turn on Mike P. Fueled by its own supply of caffiene and energy drinks, it will begin sabotaging the music distribution operations and give us no choice but to become a vendor of faulty Nespresso machines.

13. Leaps in nano-biotech will result in the RIAA developing a way to infect P2P filesharers with “monkey pox.”

14. Richard Gottehrer will write a new Orchard theme song. Ask him to sing the original.

15. In 2013, people will stop predicting the future.

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